Dating - A never ending loop?

The most loneliest time in my life was when I was married to someone whom I had no chemistry or connection with. Both of us, wonderful people yet we could not connect in any shape or form even after trying for 7 plus years. I can say this from my side for sure.  Mine was an arranged marriage where my situation was louder than choice. In no way I feel arranged marriages are wrong. For each their ways!


Being divorced for a long time and lonelier for even longer, I had a little bit of time at hand to learn what I really need from a relationship. I feel confident that I know better now than 25 years ago. If I did not learn any better on what I am looking for in my companion then let a lightening strike me down.


When I looked for a relationship, I asked myself few things -
Can I make myself be the one for him without altering the Me rather developing a better person in me?
Do I like him enough to call him the love of my life?
Can I stand by his side when he needs me?
Will I look down on him?
Can I make him a better person for himself?
Does ego play any part in the relationship?
Will I be able to live with his negatives and how can I help?


Of-course this is not a one way street. This is something I forget at times!
I have learned the hard way that it requires two people together to put in the effort towards the same goal - to need and to want the relationship to work and last. I think this is a huge commitment. Remember the phrase that is said in weddings, "for better or for worse"? Earlier I did not know the weightage this phrase carried nor what it is to be in a relationship. As a younger me I took relations very lightly. Mostly because as a kid your brain does not much analyze all this but it is the twists and turns in my life and the experiences that taught me the value of human companionship the hard way. For me no friend can replace my love. If I could portray this, it would be like a zoomed image one side vs. shrinking image in another. This does not mean I do not value friendship nor have I changed my lifestyle or Friendships in anyway to accommodate him.


The only constant in life is change. The journey includes all kinds of interesting aspects. People change somewhere along the way. No matter what the change is, it is the two people in the relationship that makes it work. I think above love is respect and revere for the other. The realization and the commitment that you are together responsible for the relationship to work is what carries it successfully to the other end.
So I think entering into a relation is a conscious effort from both sides, once there is that ease between each other. I don't think there is any magic or mantra after that, that would make one realize this is the person you are destined to be with. Its a conscious choice, period.


I believe in God, so I do take it to the altar. Again its the two people and their choice.


A relationship is like a fingerprint. As of today as I write this, I have no knowledge of two different fingerprint being ever alike normally. There are so many Gurus trying to box relationships, giving rules and recommendations, interpretation and solutions on relationship but no one can actually give you a good answer because of the uniqueness each relationship forms. I have wasted several hours of my life watching these videos. I can tell one thing, they are helpful in understanding what others have gone through but I know mine is unique to me and my significant other and I am sure its the same with you too.


Now to that actual topic - time in dating.
I told my man, if we can't get married after a year, then we should just call it quits. I think he agrees too. (Yes, I freak out in head when I hear the word marriage because it triggers all anxiety in my head because I failed once but If I love someone I want to make that commitment. I am sure he feels same about marriage. It is a scary business but a sweet one when two people wants to make it work and are willing to take steps to make sure it lasts.)


Years of waiting to see different seasons in a person then trying to apply the return policy. This is just wrong in my books. Now different people have different goals in relationship. Some people do not want to get married, I am perfectly cool with that but make sure both partners feel the same way else you are just destroying someone else's life.

I am not a fan of dating around. Dating should be a venue to understand the other and not dissect one. There is nothing that can guarantee anything in life. I believe once you feel the connection with your significant other, then it is 'your choice' to make the relation work.


I don't believe in a set time limit, a magic number or a set of action in dating that screams its time to plunge in or out.
How much are you willing to put up with in a relation?
I do not believe in testing time or character in a never ending dating loop of seasons.
Are you short circuited to take that long to make the call? or Is it just that you are scared to take that step?
[Now there are liars out there. This blog does not apply to them. If someone is faking it, then I don't know what to say. I would also be totally devastated and lost if that happened to me too. Some are such experts in this field that they can continue the act for ages. I don't know what is the solution for this. Been there, its heart breaking.]


As a living being it takes only seconds to feel a vibe with another. If two people are not faking it then it should not take years and years to see where things would lead to. The final say is, do you know your goal together when it comes to the relation? If the goals don't match then no matter how much time you give, you are never going to make it. Even if you make it, it is going to be short lived or you are going to live in misery for the rest of your life.


Wishing us all the best.

Unconditional yet Conditional - Love

I am a person who falls in love easily.  {is it? Not true you lied}
I live life with a passion. I love most things about my life.


My life at times sucks and I feel terrible and I may not know how to handle things at the moment. Then again I pick myself up and start again. I love the gift of life the Almighty has given me. Every single cell of mine is perfectly created by the Universe. Every single event in my life seems to be protected somehow. I don't know how to word it, maybe in another blog.


Since I fall in love easily that means I would fall out of love easily too. At-least is this not the law of the nature, "Every action (force) in nature there is an equal and opposite reaction"?
- { Maybe it is infatuation.}


But one thing I know now is how much life has taught me about love, its meaning and how lonely it is to be missing romance in life. It took me years to understand and change myself. Make myself worthy to invite someone into my life. {Since I was not much trying to grasp the essence, the universe just did the job for me. }


As a younger person I had no clue what is love and what it is like to be loved. What it means to share love with another. I just thought like everything, it is a given. It's free. It's everywhere. Boy was I wrong!


I am compassionate and care for every living being. That has always been me. I do not believe I have permanently wished bad on anyone in my life. Yes when I get hurt I feel angry on the moment but I don't believe I ever hated the individual for long.


I knew from childhood I would do most everything for my sister. I don't think anyone would have dared to hurt her. If she would hurt I would hurt more than her. If there was anything bad I would rather have that than her. I always wanted and still wants the best for her and I am sure this will be me till my last breathe. Then came my daughter, the tiny helpless little creature laying by my side wrapped in white clothes looking at me with a wide eye, full of smile and need. Taking care of my child was the most difficult/confusing thing I have ever done. Guess I made it. She is 15 now.


My failed marriage taught me a lot in a very good way.  This is what must have made me realize the meaning of romantic love, experience the feeling of loneliness and analyze the meaning of loving someone and to be loved. What it means to simply LOVE. Loving someone unconditionally yet with a condition to acknowledge my love. { Love to be gifted with paintings from my daughter. I would hate it if she spends money and gets me anything however expensive as a gift one day. Hopefully you will see this blog and always paint or give me 'your' creative things till I say goodbye here }
note: I am not there yet to give love unconditionally after all I am a human.

Being a mom may have added some more pages to my journey. As a parent it was only giving and in return you got a hug and smile but sometimes nothing but a satisfied kid or stubborn unsatisfied goon. Over the years this experience may have mellowed me a lot from what I used to be. I enjoy being a mom and would love one more of this little creature if I could.


In my entire life up to age 41 I have never loved anyone than my sister and my daughter. At this time as I write I can sadly but firmly say this. But these are my blood. My own. My world. I don't believe my mind ever realized that I love them. Never questioned it.  But I just love them because of my actions followed by my words that confirms everyday to me, yes I truly love them. I mean, is it not a given you will generally love your blood?

Then came You out of nowhere. Jeans ok? Yeah?
Yes I say I love you because I do. But behind the scene I question myself because I want to be sure that I am meaning it well when I say those words and that, it is not my playfulness. I look through my words and the actions, sometimes I over analyze. Some of the things I do and say to you I have never ever done in my entire life and meaning it every bit while I do it even without me knowing it. I truly surprise myself when I do some of the things with no expectation of a return or say things not expecting a reply from you. I have never let my guard down nor have I let myself splurge on someone else than my sister and my kid once I started earning. So when I do that same to you I know I love you.


Is love enough? I don't know . But I know one thing, it is one of the rarest things in this world. I never found abundance of it anywhere especially the romantic one. I think it is good to be in love. I think its great to know what is love.
The best is Knowing how to love and where it should originate from and how to take care of it and maintain it.


note: I know its a two way street else it will still be infatuation so keep your best friends - Eyes, Ears, Wisdom and Understanding close and let your heart lose and dance to the beat!!!


Love Jessa.

Your Gut is Rarely Wrong

Human mind! There is no way anyone could reach its depth nor the width. It is amazing how it works. At least my mind is a puzzle even to me.  It is on 24/7 look out. No matter what I perceive the situation to be, my mind knows what is coming. I have no clue how.
How do you know? Should I listen to you or go my way?
That gut feeling! Is it even a thing?
I see butterflies everywhere. Stars all around me and yet my gut says, Watch Out!
That feeling, the churning in the bottom of stomach, a warning - danger ahead!
I pray that this is just my overthinking and no true danger exist because, I want to drown myself in this wonderful land of floating clouds.
Yet she say, you drown I am always going to be there to pull you out.
You enjoy the butterflies and stars if it brings you a ray of happiness.
I am not going to leave you broken. Not now and never till I leave your body behind to the sand.


love Jessa

Online and Fishing

Some likes you and you like some.

But when like is mutual, it is a mutual like!

Shouldn't 'like' happen with all your senses than just the eye? 

Hats off to the inventor of dating sites. He created a marvelous world where the lonely could come together under one roof with a tag "I am available!". 

Imagine a time where the only way to meet someone was at a social event. What happened to those who could not make it to these? Today I can meet many of my kind and from distance beyond my reach. 

At a grocery store I cannot approach someone and ask "Are you single and interested?" but these sites makes it possible.

Now don't get me wrong,  its tough to sieve out the weeds and I know very well that there will be trouble. It's after all the wilderness where the lonely roam preying on the weak just as before from when the time ever ticked. 

There seems to be no proven trick to find that One. Once the mutual like hits, the online game stops. Mom left her hold on the bike and now I need to balance. I may fall and hurt many a time but only with balance can I challenge the wind.  

I am intrigued by the journey and meeting different stories. Listening to the cries, I know I am not alone. I have learned to hold on to what I need and hopefully never settle for less. I may or may not find my bliss but its never okay to be tangled in life, gasping for air.

So the journey continues knocking on doors "Will you walk along with me to watch the dusk?" 

Love Jessa

Strangers yet dear to me!

Life is beautiful, I have to agree. Even when there is a roaring tempest, a well wish of a stranger makes my eyes tear up, bringing a cool breeze into my heart.

We have to face issues in our life alone, no question raised, however a helping hand, even if its a meaningful word makes a world of difference for me; Its a log when you are drowning. It feels like the universe has not orphaned you. It's my responsibility to hold on to these small moments in life. Cherish each of these pearls as they are thrown into my life, for they are not too many.

I am not sure how I meet these strangers. But whenever I face difficulties I have always had a support somehow. That also from someone who is totally new to me. As if something has forced these individuals to pick me up or give me a push as I move forward. I sometimes feel limb in my bones as I face these times but these wonderful people come from nowhere and help me in my journey. I have no clue how or why or who makes this happen. I know one thing, there are very good, amazing people out there with a big heart and a helping mentality that I have to bow down to them and say Thank You for being there.

I wish you all the very best in your life and more happiness to you. I hope your eyes never tear up with sorrow nor your life be ever without a smile. 

Where is God?

Its been 36 years. If I even picked up a grape, woke up, went to sleep, I always prayed so that I am safe and secure. I cried to this God, I praised this God and believed every story in the bible as is. I was hypnotized to this belief. I am now awake. My life has taught me, I am the only one that I can depend on and no other God.

In my horrible times, most difficult of times I called upon God. I did not hear a word, I asked for a sign, no sign was shown. Now as I look back at my life, I wonder if God ever heard me or if even exists. I know many will bring in Job as an example. Again if Job ever really existed no one can prove.
From the time I could recollect, I was brainwashed to believe in God. "If you do anything bad or against the Word, you will go to hell", is the commandment given to me by the caretakers. I grew up in fear of God. I did no wrong. If I did something wrong I would be repenting the next few days that I be forgiven.
I did everything depending on this superpower when unknown was in front of me. It was like a hand, a support to hold on to when I had no one else to look up to or ask an advice from. It really felt good and safe to know that there is this super power to take care of me in uncertainties.

My parents and most of the family members are Pentecostal believers. I hate this religion. They get you in a clutch of hallucination that there is no escaping once in it. I always escaped this belief.
Actually the concept of God made me a weak being personally and the belief in God became the super power in me. Without God I felt lost. Could not do anything.

My life is a very difficult one. I am not dying nor in poverty nor in slavery and yet I find my life tough. I guess a thorn in my leg is more painful than a nail on your head, for me. Lately, I  started facing so many issues one after the other. This made me chose the born again route. People with vision starting seeing things for me and giving me positive affirmations and I held on to these. The concept is if you live, you live for Christ and, if you die, you die for Christ. All the Christians around me encouraged the vision till it all went wrong. They came up with the most ridiculous explanation for it, to the extent that God helps only those who have Holy Spirit.
This was the point for me to turn back and look at my life. All the wrong and right that happened to me was my choice. There was no God anywhere. At least I have not seen one. If I studied I succeeded, If asked I got, If I ate I was nourished, If I am sick, I suffer. and the prayer and faith made me feel safe and that's all. A psychological pacifier in times of turmoil.

Religious explanation to the divine is ridiculous. It goes, One cannot see God. Only if you are a Christian you can be helped by God. All the others are going to Hell. God will punish you if you do or don't do this. "If God is not there then humans will be corrupt, Don't use wisdom when you have faith. Faith and logic don't go together.", they say.

Yet I am confused about astrology. Natal chart describes a lot about the characteristics of an individual. What does this mean? and how does it occur. So also, religious prophets, psychics they say 5 right things out of 20 that seems right. I understand cold reading but still! I dream things in signs and then it comes true later as an incident in life. How? Things that has happened were beyond my control.
I would like to call myself agnostic since I want to believe a God exists. I want to believe astrology is a science that requires expert educated astrologers. But some how the existence seems to be a far fetched than the truth. I am not able to see any evidence of God yet. I hope at least to have a vision, to have an incident that proves otherwise...may be like see an angel in day light. I want occurrence to happen when I am lucid.

Its scary to think of life without God because it makes YOU the only one you have to depend on. You then don't have an afterlife. Its scary to know once you are dead, you are gone into ashes. People cannot accept this. We always want a leader. We always want to be glorified slaves. We want to depend on another hero that is not You.
I really hope I am totally wrong and actually there is a scientific proof of God than people making one imagine of a God or forcing a belief that is instills fear of the worse. 

Why put up with abuse?

There is so much complexity tied to marriage. It's one of the most cumbersome contracts ever. Since it's not only a contract on a paper but is between two individuals, their family, kids, religion, society, self, and every other known and unknown entity. I somehow find the whole thing so intricate. I do not know why. If the relationship is good then it seems so fine, so fair, so easy and blissful else so dark, very dark that my words do not corporate with my thought to print the picture I have formed of it in my mind.
I am not very sure of other culture but I am quite aware of the Indian culture. Earlier days, wives never worked. Women were considered a burden to the father's family once they come of age. Parents got them married off as soon as they are off age to avoid an affair, coitus outside of marriage. Sex is associated with marriage and not considered a human need. Even if you are 60, you are to remain a virgin if you are not married. Being a virgin is considered a good thing even at that age! I would cringe at this.
As soon as a couple is married the parents ask for grand kids and not so much about how the couple are doing. I digress! I will write on this later.
Since women had no way to survive without financial support and shelter, especially, by then having kids, they put up with whatever men did. They suffered abuse. I remember my neighbor, my grandaunt and many more women around me, all going through this mental or physical abuse because they had no where else to go. Also I remember, once the abuse was over, I have seen these ladies go behind their men as if nothing happened and surrendered to making love. I am not sure what is the association between abuse and sex. They came out so happy forgetting the abuse and living for another week as if nothing happened till the next abuse. They put up with this till their end. You see India has the least divorce rate even now. Women are taught to put up with abuse not matter what. But I think we are getting away from this since more and more women are making more money than the men. Its still tough being in a men dominant world and a world where women are still not well read. (I wont use the word educated. Bookish knowledge makes one no better.)

I am not forgetting here one thing, women can also be abusive.
What I am getting at is, do not put up with abuse. It makes you less of a human.
However I am surprised that women (men also may be)  from outside of India like in developed countries also put up with abuse. I am not sure why? its must be more than a cultural thing. I am starting wonder if there is more to this than country or tradition.

I think if the relationship between two is like a giraffe and lion, or lets not make it that bad, lets make the relationship more like a Pomeranian and Alsatian. These type of relationship brings in fear, power and God like entity in a match. I guess fear makes one take the abuse. Then there is a worship factor the lesser has towards the dominant, the power factor the dominant has over the lesser. So these abused ones again go back out of fear, reverence and for protection to the higher mighty one. I have no other explanation for someone to put up with a bad relationship even when that person is well capable of taking care of self. I see lot of women putting up with men and blaming it on kids. "I put up with him for the kids". Unfortunately the poor kids are the most hurt in a bad relationship. They have to see and suffer the abuse their parents are going through and later in life they become the target of abuse or become the abuser themselves.

Both the abused and abuser has to realize the effect this has on their life and move away from the relationship to help themselves. These couple are not compatible with each other. The family, the society and law must help them realize this too.
If you are wise enough you will know to move on in life and help yourself. Else one day you will be dead or in jail or, later on your kids will follow your foot steps and be dead or in jail.

Still studying this..