The most loneliest time in my life was when I was married to someone whom I had no chemistry or connection with. Both of us, wonderful people yet we could not connect in any shape or form even after trying for 7 plus years. I can say this from my side for sure. Mine was an arranged marriage where my situation was louder than choice. In no way I feel arranged marriages are wrong. For each their ways!
Being divorced for a long time and lonelier for even longer, I had a little bit of time at hand to learn what I really need from a relationship. I feel confident that I know better now than 25 years ago. If I did not learn any better on what I am looking for in my companion then let a lightening strike me down.
When I looked for a relationship, I asked myself few things -
Can I make myself be the one for him without altering the Me rather developing a better person in me?
Do I like him enough to call him the love of my life?
Can I stand by his side when he needs me?
Will I look down on him?
Can I make him a better person for himself?
Does ego play any part in the relationship?
Will I be able to live with his negatives and how can I help?
Of-course this is not a one way street. This is something I forget at times!
I have learned the hard way that it requires two people together to put in the effort towards the same goal - to need and to want the relationship to work and last. I think this is a huge commitment. Remember the phrase that is said in weddings, "for better or for worse"? Earlier I did not know the weightage this phrase carried nor what it is to be in a relationship. As a younger me I took relations very lightly. Mostly because as a kid your brain does not much analyze all this but it is the twists and turns in my life and the experiences that taught me the value of human companionship the hard way. For me no friend can replace my love. If I could portray this, it would be like a zoomed image one side vs. shrinking image in another. This does not mean I do not value friendship nor have I changed my lifestyle or Friendships in anyway to accommodate him.
The only constant in life is change. The journey includes all kinds of interesting aspects. People change somewhere along the way. No matter what the change is, it is the two people in the relationship that makes it work. I think above love is respect and revere for the other. The realization and the commitment that you are together responsible for the relationship to work is what carries it successfully to the other end.
So I think entering into a relation is a conscious effort from both sides, once there is that ease between each other. I don't think there is any magic or mantra after that, that would make one realize this is the person you are destined to be with. Its a conscious choice, period.
I believe in God, so I do take it to the altar. Again its the two people and their choice.
A relationship is like a fingerprint. As of today as I write this, I have no knowledge of two different fingerprint being ever alike normally. There are so many Gurus trying to box relationships, giving rules and recommendations, interpretation and solutions on relationship but no one can actually give you a good answer because of the uniqueness each relationship forms. I have wasted several hours of my life watching these videos. I can tell one thing, they are helpful in understanding what others have gone through but I know mine is unique to me and my significant other and I am sure its the same with you too.
Now to that actual topic - time in dating.
I told my man, if we can't get married after a year, then we should just call it quits. I think he agrees too. (Yes, I freak out in head when I hear the word marriage because it triggers all anxiety in my head because I failed once but If I love someone I want to make that commitment. I am sure he feels same about marriage. It is a scary business but a sweet one when two people wants to make it work and are willing to take steps to make sure it lasts.)
Years of waiting to see different seasons in a person then trying to apply the return policy. This is just wrong in my books. Now different people have different goals in relationship. Some people do not want to get married, I am perfectly cool with that but make sure both partners feel the same way else you are just destroying someone else's life.
I am not a fan of dating around. Dating should be a venue to understand the other and not dissect one. There is nothing that can guarantee anything in life. I believe once you feel the connection with your significant other, then it is 'your choice' to make the relation work.
I don't believe in a set time limit, a magic number or a set of action in dating that screams its time to plunge in or out.
How much are you willing to put up with in a relation?
I do not believe in testing time or character in a never ending dating loop of seasons.
Are you short circuited to take that long to make the call? or Is it just that you are scared to take that step?
[Now there are liars out there. This blog does not apply to them. If someone is faking it, then I don't know what to say. I would also be totally devastated and lost if that happened to me too. Some are such experts in this field that they can continue the act for ages. I don't know what is the solution for this. Been there, its heart breaking.]
As a living being it takes only seconds to feel a vibe with another. If two people are not faking it then it should not take years and years to see where things would lead to. The final say is, do you know your goal together when it comes to the relation? If the goals don't match then no matter how much time you give, you are never going to make it. Even if you make it, it is going to be short lived or you are going to live in misery for the rest of your life.
Wishing us all the best.
Being divorced for a long time and lonelier for even longer, I had a little bit of time at hand to learn what I really need from a relationship. I feel confident that I know better now than 25 years ago. If I did not learn any better on what I am looking for in my companion then let a lightening strike me down.
When I looked for a relationship, I asked myself few things -
Can I make myself be the one for him without altering the Me rather developing a better person in me?
Do I like him enough to call him the love of my life?
Can I stand by his side when he needs me?
Will I look down on him?
Can I make him a better person for himself?
Does ego play any part in the relationship?
Will I be able to live with his negatives and how can I help?
Of-course this is not a one way street. This is something I forget at times!
I have learned the hard way that it requires two people together to put in the effort towards the same goal - to need and to want the relationship to work and last. I think this is a huge commitment. Remember the phrase that is said in weddings, "for better or for worse"? Earlier I did not know the weightage this phrase carried nor what it is to be in a relationship. As a younger me I took relations very lightly. Mostly because as a kid your brain does not much analyze all this but it is the twists and turns in my life and the experiences that taught me the value of human companionship the hard way. For me no friend can replace my love. If I could portray this, it would be like a zoomed image one side vs. shrinking image in another. This does not mean I do not value friendship nor have I changed my lifestyle or Friendships in anyway to accommodate him.
The only constant in life is change. The journey includes all kinds of interesting aspects. People change somewhere along the way. No matter what the change is, it is the two people in the relationship that makes it work. I think above love is respect and revere for the other. The realization and the commitment that you are together responsible for the relationship to work is what carries it successfully to the other end.
So I think entering into a relation is a conscious effort from both sides, once there is that ease between each other. I don't think there is any magic or mantra after that, that would make one realize this is the person you are destined to be with. Its a conscious choice, period.
I believe in God, so I do take it to the altar. Again its the two people and their choice.
A relationship is like a fingerprint. As of today as I write this, I have no knowledge of two different fingerprint being ever alike normally. There are so many Gurus trying to box relationships, giving rules and recommendations, interpretation and solutions on relationship but no one can actually give you a good answer because of the uniqueness each relationship forms. I have wasted several hours of my life watching these videos. I can tell one thing, they are helpful in understanding what others have gone through but I know mine is unique to me and my significant other and I am sure its the same with you too.
Now to that actual topic - time in dating.
I told my man, if we can't get married after a year, then we should just call it quits. I think he agrees too. (Yes, I freak out in head when I hear the word marriage because it triggers all anxiety in my head because I failed once but If I love someone I want to make that commitment. I am sure he feels same about marriage. It is a scary business but a sweet one when two people wants to make it work and are willing to take steps to make sure it lasts.)
Years of waiting to see different seasons in a person then trying to apply the return policy. This is just wrong in my books. Now different people have different goals in relationship. Some people do not want to get married, I am perfectly cool with that but make sure both partners feel the same way else you are just destroying someone else's life.
I am not a fan of dating around. Dating should be a venue to understand the other and not dissect one. There is nothing that can guarantee anything in life. I believe once you feel the connection with your significant other, then it is 'your choice' to make the relation work.
I don't believe in a set time limit, a magic number or a set of action in dating that screams its time to plunge in or out.
How much are you willing to put up with in a relation?
I do not believe in testing time or character in a never ending dating loop of seasons.
Are you short circuited to take that long to make the call? or Is it just that you are scared to take that step?
[Now there are liars out there. This blog does not apply to them. If someone is faking it, then I don't know what to say. I would also be totally devastated and lost if that happened to me too. Some are such experts in this field that they can continue the act for ages. I don't know what is the solution for this. Been there, its heart breaking.]
As a living being it takes only seconds to feel a vibe with another. If two people are not faking it then it should not take years and years to see where things would lead to. The final say is, do you know your goal together when it comes to the relation? If the goals don't match then no matter how much time you give, you are never going to make it. Even if you make it, it is going to be short lived or you are going to live in misery for the rest of your life.
Wishing us all the best.
No comments:
Post a Comment