Your Gut is Rarely Wrong

Human mind! There is no way anyone could reach its depth nor the width. It is amazing how it works. At least my mind is a puzzle even to me.  It is on 24/7 look out. No matter what I perceive the situation to be, my mind knows what is coming. I have no clue how.
How do you know? Should I listen to you or go my way?
That gut feeling! Is it even a thing?
I see butterflies everywhere. Stars all around me and yet my gut says, Watch Out!
That feeling, the churning in the bottom of stomach, a warning - danger ahead!
I pray that this is just my overthinking and no true danger exist because, I want to drown myself in this wonderful land of floating clouds.
Yet she say, you drown I am always going to be there to pull you out.
You enjoy the butterflies and stars if it brings you a ray of happiness.
I am not going to leave you broken. Not now and never till I leave your body behind to the sand.


love Jessa

Online and Fishing

Some likes you and you like some.

But when like is mutual, it is a mutual like!

Shouldn't 'like' happen with all your senses than just the eye? 

Hats off to the inventor of dating sites. He created a marvelous world where the lonely could come together under one roof with a tag "I am available!". 

Imagine a time where the only way to meet someone was at a social event. What happened to those who could not make it to these? Today I can meet many of my kind and from distance beyond my reach. 

At a grocery store I cannot approach someone and ask "Are you single and interested?" but these sites makes it possible.

Now don't get me wrong,  its tough to sieve out the weeds and I know very well that there will be trouble. It's after all the wilderness where the lonely roam preying on the weak just as before from when the time ever ticked. 

There seems to be no proven trick to find that One. Once the mutual like hits, the online game stops. Mom left her hold on the bike and now I need to balance. I may fall and hurt many a time but only with balance can I challenge the wind.  

I am intrigued by the journey and meeting different stories. Listening to the cries, I know I am not alone. I have learned to hold on to what I need and hopefully never settle for less. I may or may not find my bliss but its never okay to be tangled in life, gasping for air.

So the journey continues knocking on doors "Will you walk along with me to watch the dusk?" 

Love Jessa

Strangers yet dear to me!

Life is beautiful, I have to agree. Even when there is a roaring tempest, a well wish of a stranger makes my eyes tear up, bringing a cool breeze into my heart.

We have to face issues in our life alone, no question raised, however a helping hand, even if its a meaningful word makes a world of difference for me; Its a log when you are drowning. It feels like the universe has not orphaned you. It's my responsibility to hold on to these small moments in life. Cherish each of these pearls as they are thrown into my life, for they are not too many.

I am not sure how I meet these strangers. But whenever I face difficulties I have always had a support somehow. That also from someone who is totally new to me. As if something has forced these individuals to pick me up or give me a push as I move forward. I sometimes feel limb in my bones as I face these times but these wonderful people come from nowhere and help me in my journey. I have no clue how or why or who makes this happen. I know one thing, there are very good, amazing people out there with a big heart and a helping mentality that I have to bow down to them and say Thank You for being there.

I wish you all the very best in your life and more happiness to you. I hope your eyes never tear up with sorrow nor your life be ever without a smile. 

Where is God?

Its been 36 years. If I even picked up a grape, woke up, went to sleep, I always prayed so that I am safe and secure. I cried to this God, I praised this God and believed every story in the bible as is. I was hypnotized to this belief. I am now awake. My life has taught me, I am the only one that I can depend on and no other God.

In my horrible times, most difficult of times I called upon God. I did not hear a word, I asked for a sign, no sign was shown. Now as I look back at my life, I wonder if God ever heard me or if even exists. I know many will bring in Job as an example. Again if Job ever really existed no one can prove.
From the time I could recollect, I was brainwashed to believe in God. "If you do anything bad or against the Word, you will go to hell", is the commandment given to me by the caretakers. I grew up in fear of God. I did no wrong. If I did something wrong I would be repenting the next few days that I be forgiven.
I did everything depending on this superpower when unknown was in front of me. It was like a hand, a support to hold on to when I had no one else to look up to or ask an advice from. It really felt good and safe to know that there is this super power to take care of me in uncertainties.

My parents and most of the family members are Pentecostal believers. I hate this religion. They get you in a clutch of hallucination that there is no escaping once in it. I always escaped this belief.
Actually the concept of God made me a weak being personally and the belief in God became the super power in me. Without God I felt lost. Could not do anything.

My life is a very difficult one. I am not dying nor in poverty nor in slavery and yet I find my life tough. I guess a thorn in my leg is more painful than a nail on your head, for me. Lately, I  started facing so many issues one after the other. This made me chose the born again route. People with vision starting seeing things for me and giving me positive affirmations and I held on to these. The concept is if you live, you live for Christ and, if you die, you die for Christ. All the Christians around me encouraged the vision till it all went wrong. They came up with the most ridiculous explanation for it, to the extent that God helps only those who have Holy Spirit.
This was the point for me to turn back and look at my life. All the wrong and right that happened to me was my choice. There was no God anywhere. At least I have not seen one. If I studied I succeeded, If asked I got, If I ate I was nourished, If I am sick, I suffer. and the prayer and faith made me feel safe and that's all. A psychological pacifier in times of turmoil.

Religious explanation to the divine is ridiculous. It goes, One cannot see God. Only if you are a Christian you can be helped by God. All the others are going to Hell. God will punish you if you do or don't do this. "If God is not there then humans will be corrupt, Don't use wisdom when you have faith. Faith and logic don't go together.", they say.

Yet I am confused about astrology. Natal chart describes a lot about the characteristics of an individual. What does this mean? and how does it occur. So also, religious prophets, psychics they say 5 right things out of 20 that seems right. I understand cold reading but still! I dream things in signs and then it comes true later as an incident in life. How? Things that has happened were beyond my control.
I would like to call myself agnostic since I want to believe a God exists. I want to believe astrology is a science that requires expert educated astrologers. But some how the existence seems to be a far fetched than the truth. I am not able to see any evidence of God yet. I hope at least to have a vision, to have an incident that proves otherwise...may be like see an angel in day light. I want occurrence to happen when I am lucid.

Its scary to think of life without God because it makes YOU the only one you have to depend on. You then don't have an afterlife. Its scary to know once you are dead, you are gone into ashes. People cannot accept this. We always want a leader. We always want to be glorified slaves. We want to depend on another hero that is not You.
I really hope I am totally wrong and actually there is a scientific proof of God than people making one imagine of a God or forcing a belief that is instills fear of the worse. 

Why put up with abuse?

There is so much complexity tied to marriage. It's one of the most cumbersome contracts ever. Since it's not only a contract on a paper but is between two individuals, their family, kids, religion, society, self, and every other known and unknown entity. I somehow find the whole thing so intricate. I do not know why. If the relationship is good then it seems so fine, so fair, so easy and blissful else so dark, very dark that my words do not corporate with my thought to print the picture I have formed of it in my mind.
I am not very sure of other culture but I am quite aware of the Indian culture. Earlier days, wives never worked. Women were considered a burden to the father's family once they come of age. Parents got them married off as soon as they are off age to avoid an affair, coitus outside of marriage. Sex is associated with marriage and not considered a human need. Even if you are 60, you are to remain a virgin if you are not married. Being a virgin is considered a good thing even at that age! I would cringe at this.
As soon as a couple is married the parents ask for grand kids and not so much about how the couple are doing. I digress! I will write on this later.
Since women had no way to survive without financial support and shelter, especially, by then having kids, they put up with whatever men did. They suffered abuse. I remember my neighbor, my grandaunt and many more women around me, all going through this mental or physical abuse because they had no where else to go. Also I remember, once the abuse was over, I have seen these ladies go behind their men as if nothing happened and surrendered to making love. I am not sure what is the association between abuse and sex. They came out so happy forgetting the abuse and living for another week as if nothing happened till the next abuse. They put up with this till their end. You see India has the least divorce rate even now. Women are taught to put up with abuse not matter what. But I think we are getting away from this since more and more women are making more money than the men. Its still tough being in a men dominant world and a world where women are still not well read. (I wont use the word educated. Bookish knowledge makes one no better.)

I am not forgetting here one thing, women can also be abusive.
What I am getting at is, do not put up with abuse. It makes you less of a human.
However I am surprised that women (men also may be)  from outside of India like in developed countries also put up with abuse. I am not sure why? its must be more than a cultural thing. I am starting wonder if there is more to this than country or tradition.

I think if the relationship between two is like a giraffe and lion, or lets not make it that bad, lets make the relationship more like a Pomeranian and Alsatian. These type of relationship brings in fear, power and God like entity in a match. I guess fear makes one take the abuse. Then there is a worship factor the lesser has towards the dominant, the power factor the dominant has over the lesser. So these abused ones again go back out of fear, reverence and for protection to the higher mighty one. I have no other explanation for someone to put up with a bad relationship even when that person is well capable of taking care of self. I see lot of women putting up with men and blaming it on kids. "I put up with him for the kids". Unfortunately the poor kids are the most hurt in a bad relationship. They have to see and suffer the abuse their parents are going through and later in life they become the target of abuse or become the abuser themselves.

Both the abused and abuser has to realize the effect this has on their life and move away from the relationship to help themselves. These couple are not compatible with each other. The family, the society and law must help them realize this too.
If you are wise enough you will know to move on in life and help yourself. Else one day you will be dead or in jail or, later on your kids will follow your foot steps and be dead or in jail.

Still studying this..

We Meet Again

We met again in a weird way! Is there a reason for it or just a freak coincidence? When people meet this way, what does it mean? The feeling was crazy emotion. First time, it was love exactly the same way I felt ages ago. Wow, that was an awesome feeling. I never knew it existed in me. The second time it was hate. He must have also felt the same emotion and more since he has a misunderstanding on things. Now in my mind, its a confusion as to why it happened.

Man I really envy people who never felt that loss in life. Losing in love is almost same as losing life.

The way we met, when I say weird, I mean it! That's what made me write this to you. Also the way we recognized each other was again crazy. I immediately knew who exactly it was even when my thinking hat told me otherwise. How does human mind work this way.

I truly wish you all the best in life. Hope you find the best of everything. Work is a great thing but life is a better deal. You Work to fulfill one of your lives dreams. Career is only a pinky finger of your palm. You should not forget the other part of life.

Still stumped by what happened.!

Another thought as I write this is when you randomly talk to people, with a few you tend to immediately connect and reject or hate the others. Why?

Wish I knew how we are created and what goes on inside us beyond our physical.

Have a good night.

Love
Jes.

Random thoughts

1) This thought has been nagging me for a while now. Is n't married people who are not in love more lonely than the others. I mean, they have to pretend to be happy outside their home, sometimes to their kids and yet they are truly not happy. They cannot be in another relationship, it will be considered adultery. They are always trying to adjust with each other. Its a 24/7 arrangement. I was talking to a colleague of mine. He seemed too forward and stuff. When I brought this topic up to him, he was like "Hey, you live in a lala land." There is no love in marriage. Its all an adjustment. Love is there only for the first few years, then we get tired of that. Shocker!

2) Some people really live in their own cocoon. they never realize the struggle others go for them till they are actually faced alone with the situation. I have a very close friend in my life. I have always done things to protect and take care for her. Tried to provide guidance as needed, Took care till 3 years back. Now I know there is someone strong by her side that I can sleep well at night. The thing is, she never realized what was going on. Now when she needs to face the music, she realizes that things were not what she was dreaming it to be. She tells me, I knew something was wrong but not this bad. Wow! Shocker!

3) How unfortunate when dreams get crushed by life!

4) One more thing I learned in life is, beware of advisers. They will kill you by advice but they will never be there to help you when you need it. Stay away from them as much as possible.

5) Try to find positive people and keep them around you. I was in a negative relationship for 8 years and it took me 4 tough years to get back to being positive. Trust me, its very very very difficult to get out of it. Worse than addiction to drugs I guess. It took one lady and one sentence to me to get of this effect. I am so grateful to this lady named Vijaya, just a random colleague. If someone is negative, please run away as  far as possible from them. I know its selfish. A situation being bad is ok but when that person keeps making it worse learn to understand the sign. If you are not a therapist, you don't need to be around. God be with you, if its your own.

6) I hate hypocrites. I know we need to be all roses and butterflies many times in front of certain situations but speak your mind when needed. Some people takes this to the extreme. That's dangerous.

7) Have you ever been infatuated with intelligence? I have. lol! You do not feel any attraction to the person but just his thoughts. Crazy right!

8) Learn to respect, honor and love the hands that feed you.

9) For some of us life is not as easy as the Nancy next to us. Yes I feel jealous and crappy at it. Make the best out of the hand that is dealt to you.