Why put up with abuse?

There is so much complexity tied to marriage. It's one of the most cumbersome contracts ever. Since it's not only a contract on a paper but is between two individuals, their family, kids, religion, society, self, and every other known and unknown entity. I somehow find the whole thing so intricate. I do not know why. If the relationship is good then it seems so fine, so fair, so easy and blissful else so dark, very dark that my words do not corporate with my thought to print the picture I have formed of it in my mind.
I am not very sure of other culture but I am quite aware of the Indian culture. Earlier days, wives never worked. Women were considered a burden to the father's family once they come of age. Parents got them married off as soon as they are off age to avoid an affair, coitus outside of marriage. Sex is associated with marriage and not considered a human need. Even if you are 60, you are to remain a virgin if you are not married. Being a virgin is considered a good thing even at that age! I would cringe at this.
As soon as a couple is married the parents ask for grand kids and not so much about how the couple are doing. I digress! I will write on this later.
Since women had no way to survive without financial support and shelter, especially, by then having kids, they put up with whatever men did. They suffered abuse. I remember my neighbor, my grandaunt and many more women around me, all going through this mental or physical abuse because they had no where else to go. Also I remember, once the abuse was over, I have seen these ladies go behind their men as if nothing happened and surrendered to making love. I am not sure what is the association between abuse and sex. They came out so happy forgetting the abuse and living for another week as if nothing happened till the next abuse. They put up with this till their end. You see India has the least divorce rate even now. Women are taught to put up with abuse not matter what. But I think we are getting away from this since more and more women are making more money than the men. Its still tough being in a men dominant world and a world where women are still not well read. (I wont use the word educated. Bookish knowledge makes one no better.)

I am not forgetting here one thing, women can also be abusive.
What I am getting at is, do not put up with abuse. It makes you less of a human.
However I am surprised that women (men also may be)  from outside of India like in developed countries also put up with abuse. I am not sure why? its must be more than a cultural thing. I am starting wonder if there is more to this than country or tradition.

I think if the relationship between two is like a giraffe and lion, or lets not make it that bad, lets make the relationship more like a Pomeranian and Alsatian. These type of relationship brings in fear, power and God like entity in a match. I guess fear makes one take the abuse. Then there is a worship factor the lesser has towards the dominant, the power factor the dominant has over the lesser. So these abused ones again go back out of fear, reverence and for protection to the higher mighty one. I have no other explanation for someone to put up with a bad relationship even when that person is well capable of taking care of self. I see lot of women putting up with men and blaming it on kids. "I put up with him for the kids". Unfortunately the poor kids are the most hurt in a bad relationship. They have to see and suffer the abuse their parents are going through and later in life they become the target of abuse or become the abuser themselves.

Both the abused and abuser has to realize the effect this has on their life and move away from the relationship to help themselves. These couple are not compatible with each other. The family, the society and law must help them realize this too.
If you are wise enough you will know to move on in life and help yourself. Else one day you will be dead or in jail or, later on your kids will follow your foot steps and be dead or in jail.

Still studying this..

We Meet Again

We met again in a weird way! Is there a reason for it or just a freak coincidence? When people meet this way, what does it mean? The feeling was crazy emotion. First time, it was love exactly the same way I felt ages ago. Wow, that was an awesome feeling. I never knew it existed in me. The second time it was hate. He must have also felt the same emotion and more since he has a misunderstanding on things. Now in my mind, its a confusion as to why it happened.

Man I really envy people who never felt that loss in life. Losing in love is almost same as losing life.

The way we met, when I say weird, I mean it! That's what made me write this to you. Also the way we recognized each other was again crazy. I immediately knew who exactly it was even when my thinking hat told me otherwise. How does human mind work this way.

I truly wish you all the best in life. Hope you find the best of everything. Work is a great thing but life is a better deal. You Work to fulfill one of your lives dreams. Career is only a pinky finger of your palm. You should not forget the other part of life.

Still stumped by what happened.!

Another thought as I write this is when you randomly talk to people, with a few you tend to immediately connect and reject or hate the others. Why?

Wish I knew how we are created and what goes on inside us beyond our physical.

Have a good night.

Love
Jes.

Random thoughts

1) This thought has been nagging me for a while now. Is n't married people who are not in love more lonely than the others. I mean, they have to pretend to be happy outside their home, sometimes to their kids and yet they are truly not happy. They cannot be in another relationship, it will be considered adultery. They are always trying to adjust with each other. Its a 24/7 arrangement. I was talking to a colleague of mine. He seemed too forward and stuff. When I brought this topic up to him, he was like "Hey, you live in a lala land." There is no love in marriage. Its all an adjustment. Love is there only for the first few years, then we get tired of that. Shocker!

2) Some people really live in their own cocoon. they never realize the struggle others go for them till they are actually faced alone with the situation. I have a very close friend in my life. I have always done things to protect and take care for her. Tried to provide guidance as needed, Took care till 3 years back. Now I know there is someone strong by her side that I can sleep well at night. The thing is, she never realized what was going on. Now when she needs to face the music, she realizes that things were not what she was dreaming it to be. She tells me, I knew something was wrong but not this bad. Wow! Shocker!

3) How unfortunate when dreams get crushed by life!

4) One more thing I learned in life is, beware of advisers. They will kill you by advice but they will never be there to help you when you need it. Stay away from them as much as possible.

5) Try to find positive people and keep them around you. I was in a negative relationship for 8 years and it took me 4 tough years to get back to being positive. Trust me, its very very very difficult to get out of it. Worse than addiction to drugs I guess. It took one lady and one sentence to me to get of this effect. I am so grateful to this lady named Vijaya, just a random colleague. If someone is negative, please run away as  far as possible from them. I know its selfish. A situation being bad is ok but when that person keeps making it worse learn to understand the sign. If you are not a therapist, you don't need to be around. God be with you, if its your own.

6) I hate hypocrites. I know we need to be all roses and butterflies many times in front of certain situations but speak your mind when needed. Some people takes this to the extreme. That's dangerous.

7) Have you ever been infatuated with intelligence? I have. lol! You do not feel any attraction to the person but just his thoughts. Crazy right!

8) Learn to respect, honor and love the hands that feed you.

9) For some of us life is not as easy as the Nancy next to us. Yes I feel jealous and crappy at it. Make the best out of the hand that is dealt to you.

How do I meet you?

Hello There,
I have been wanting to write to you for sometime now. I wanted to share this lingering feeling in me with you. Loneliness! Have you ever felt this? I have so many people around me and yet, I feel alone. I do not always feel this but when it strikes, Its too hard to get over it. As you know I am mostly a self made person and yet I feel that I am missing a bigger part of me. And time is no friend of mine. When I wanted it to run faster it never did and now its running at the speed of light, 13 years have passed in the blink of my eye.
I do not know where to look to find that person. Frankly, I am scared of having a relationship. How could I ever know if it will work out between us? I do not want to take a chance on our lives and yet I yearn for companionship. How so funny my stupid heart is?!
I hear so many stories of cupid strike but how come no cupid around me?! Oh Mr. Cupid, please don't strike at that wrong person. I have had enough of that.
I guess, its just like the seasons. You can never appreciate sunshine if you live near the equator. I would have never understood or valued the meaning of a 'Life Partner', if I did not feel lonely. I am so happy for all those who have found their loved ones. There is nothing in this world that can take the place of a partner; no parent, no kid  nor money. I guess that is why Eve was created. Adam had everything and yet was not fully happy till Eve came. And then you know the story.....! Still, I think Adam was happy since Eve hopefully was there with him in the wilderness. Hopefully I am no Eve but a Ruth.
Now the big question, where do I look for, to find my Adam? I have never gone on a date. I tried the online stuff, but I hate online. How can you know someone by reading their profile? How can you go out with a complete stranger? (this coming from a woman who had an arranged but failed marriage..Oh the irony!)
Anyway, in all this I learned one thing. Life is not as easy as it is portrayed to be. Loneliness helps you appreciate relationship. It makes you want to be a better person for your would be partner. It lets you live in hope that you will find that person soon..hoping that Life does not lie!
Love Jes.

Facebook has made me forget to write

Even a small inspiration used to make me write pages and pages but now I tend to express my emotions however big in a one liner on facebook. Sad! May be its because my emotions are easily shared with my friends on facebook. I feel facebook has taken away from me the urge to write; The want to think; The thirst to color my thoughts in garlands of words. How much has technology changed my life! Yes, it has done great things for us. I can instantly converse with my father who is continents away face to face within seconds. Its has made the world a smaller place but at what cost? I do not see anyone relaxed. We all want 'I' things, mambo jambos and jargons that make our lives comfortable but then we run around to pay our bills for the comforts we bargained for, rarely able to hold them for more than a day and sing to it "You are so beautiful". Everything that comes into the market becomes our necessity. 

I miss those days where mothers sat outside homes and enjoyed the breeze while the kids ran around the house. When doors were always open for neighbors and friends. 

Emotions have changed from I am happy to :) ! I guess this is life! Do you?

Many of my friends live in a safe relationship. The relation is more of a contract. A contract to appear happy, a contract to keep up with society. This contract has got nothing to do with love. They tell me if I leave then what happens to my kids? I feel sorry for them.

Random

After a pretty long time again I sit to write few words to you my Friend. Got to taste a few more experience in this short time.I need time and the mind set to sit and write. Today, I am in one of those moods.

How important is settling down in life?! Is there something called 'settling down in life'? I know for sure, no human being can ever feel settled in life, why? Because we are never satisfied. In this journey, you have no idea how much I have learned! How deep I have come and, how much more I need to travel to complete this journey. The journey is like traveling from the surface of the earth to the inside. As the journey deepens, the more burn I feel.

As a child I remember thinking, nothing is impossible; however from where I stand I see differently. I still believe nothing is impossible but I have extended the sentence. Nothing is impossible if God gives us the 'Yes', else even the smallest thing can be impossible to attain. I do not know if you believe in God but if you don't then, let us blame it on circumstances. However You want!

2011 New year day, I enjoyed a lot with my daughter. I felt happy that we are together. For the past 8 years I hated the new years since I had a lot of expectation which were never fulfilled but this time I had my expectation and got it fulfilled.

Do you know how lonely it is without someone to share your life with? But, do you know how more lonely it is to spent it with someone whom your are uneasy with? It is my friend! In Life, then we becomes actors. We slowly lose our identity.

Being a single mom with a small one is not at all easy. You have to be extremely smart to play the role of a father and a mother, if you want a bright child. You have to be financially, physically and emotionally stable which is very difficult to achieve. When loneliness strikes we lose ourselves to it. This happens to everyone, even me. Society separates us and we separate society from us. It's no ones fault. Couples need Couples! Besides your own is different from someone!

I need to be more strong. I can never allow negative to take over me. After all I am happier than before when I was extremely miserable. Doesn't these words feel great but action tough to attain? It is! and I suffer every single day with it. But, I try to practice this every minute of the day. Always have your mind, eyes and ears open and keep your heart door closed but not locked. This surely will help. Be sharp as whole! Remember 'no one can help you than you', this is what I live by.

I need to settle down in life,job wise, personally, and emotionally. This is my prayer for 2011. I want more job opportunity, more brain challenges, happiness and peace. Would this year bring all this for me?

How is your life? What is your expectation this year? ....

Love
Jess.