why is it like this ?

i love being a woman. the best gift god could ever bestow a human with. we have everything gifted to us for a normal survival (not exactly made for war and other turmoils). we are curved, very strong mentally(which is why we live longer than our men)...i love all of this but.....

those days are horrible. i have ,thank god, never experienced pain even for my delivery not even a little( the birth of unni was the best) but the mental thing that i ve to go through during these days, they are horrible. some months, i am very very happy, loving and caring man! i am the best. i love this feeling. i love being happy and making others feel like a human for ones( i am by nature a horrible critique..i dont know if its becoz i am a virgo but i hate it...), i am the best. but it s those other days i am worried about..those days when i turn to be a witch,- i hate everything around me, everything irritates me, i get irritated and angry(i rather wish i cried than went violent). even the minutest thing will hurt me( my hubby finds this the best time to pick on me...beleive he gets enough and more for it if on one of these days he would want to argue....pavam he is the best but, he is a nut for not understanding me during these times...especially even after 5 years of marriage...so you can understand how smart he is or is it that all men are like that. )

girls out there , trust me when i tell you this, physical pain is 1000 times better than this mental unstability. atleast people will know you are hurting but these even you dont know how you are going to react.....man! i wish i had physical pain than these mental issues. you know! during these horrible time you dont know what you say and the other person would nt know the problem and that breaks the friendship....it happened to me ...i had a very nice friend whom i used to confide to..unfortunately, there was an issue regarding the party and i got pissed, i mean the issue was so very small, very minor but i blew it out of proportion really badly and said things to him and his wife which i would never ever do in the normal state..i cant go appologize for what i said they will never understand any of it....once a thread is broken its always going to have a bump even if u tie it so i never tried to...

i mean, man! this is horrible. u can think nothing and even if u say something it will be foolish my god i wish i had the physical pain...lucky all of you out there who has physical pain than what i have to go through. crying is also fine i would that is great than what i go through.

how i missed you ?

i am sorry my friend.

i always felt misplaced in life be it in school, college, or anywhere. i am still searching for myself within me. in this race i may have forgotten to notice you. its my mistake i accept it but its not because i dont care for you..i deeply do but i was always searching for something still am. it was my mistake that i did nt realise you were standing nextg to me telling me i am here for you. i regret what had happened.

i was raised by my gran she was a kind but i had my niche built with her in kerala when my parents left me with her. i dont remeber seeing my dad as a kid just my mom who would come in between with lots of chocolate, nail polish and things and again leave me with my grans but then i flew to gulf it was a dream come truebut slowly i started feeling the heat..the syllabus was tough for a state student the language was english a foreign one for a village girl infact all was different kids treated me as a trash i cud nt tell this to my parents since i feared they would let me go back to the abusive life in kerala. so i kept to myself and tried to learn the culture with the language. i became a true gulfian i started to forget about kerala in trying to fit into there. i had trouble in everything studies, life style everything but i mastered it all by myself in such small age. i had a terrible family.

as soon as i did that i had to go back to kerala , i did my pre in tvm ivanios . it was again another struggle trying to adjust to the crowd there. i wanted acceptance there. it was a very tough life style for a kid from the gulf esp the tuition. i had to get up at 5 30 to start the day and it went on till eve 6 pm man this was very tough for me and so many things like this. i was studying in a place where we had classes from 8 to 12 30 pm and the rest of the day was ours , we played ball and jumped about but here the girls wud resign to sitting in class and gossiping my god i was lost.
in this race my friend i met you. but i have no idea how things came to this. i never knew what your feeling was. nothing is registering in my head. its not your fault my friend but mine i dont get people s feeling easily thats y i am where i am today.
my friend if i hurt you in anyway i know i must have for you to remember all the things i am deeply sorry i never meant to hurt you. i always wish the best to all i meet.
there must have been something that must have triggered the way i responded but i dont know what.
with all my heart i am sorry my friend.
i am sorry.