again life!

life come at you fast. you dream big but for some reason things just tumble down.
my friend! has it ever occured to you?
well it has for me many times. we make many many plans, but God has to propose it.

sometimes God proposes it not at our time but later.
yes, it hurts very very deep within us. there are times i felt- why, what is the purpose of this kind of a living? but then once the episode s over i see another light. i move towards that.
yes i know its very painful and difficult to overcome but its not impossible. life is not easy, never. but those who win over; theirs is the victory theirs is the crown. they are legends- the real heros.
i bow my head to them.

life is

i some times wonder, y life is like this? or, is it my life alone upper walla has screwed up? or maybe i srewed it up myself? i may never know..i cannot understand ur bruise, neither can u. i feel mine hurts more than urs but i know its not true , unfortunately, this silly heart of mine cannot seem to understand. i wish i was like the person whom i know..she sees the person below her and goes "see jessa, look (how or what) at that person, what he is going thru. how lucky we are ". hell with it. i just cant seem to be like her.
is ur life like mine 10:1(sorrow:happiness)ratio? one day sunshines into my inner self the next 10 or more days its cloudy sometimes a tempest. why?
i am like a volcano. have u seen one? the sight is awesome. its surrounding is beautiful ,full of life but inside baby its another story !
may be your life is also like that, but this kambakth dhil cant understand. but i do sympathise with you. its not that i dont understand u..believe me i do.
hope god is merciful to us...i am not asking for bed of roses but a rose that flowers and not the one that is just with leaves and thorns.
life is not easy i know, but i dont want it this hard.
hope we have a better shot in this lifetime itself than having to wait another coz i believe only in the current since i dont know about the next second.
wish me luck as i do for u.
love u friend.
jessa.

how much i miss u

my daughter is gone to india with her dad. she is 4. she wanted to go so since its with her father i let her now when on the phone she cried i am miserable. its my heart its beating at a killer speed. i know she is alright still...i am here in usa and she is in india and i feel so helpless from here. distance makes life miserable.

life

life is full of colours. i think thats what makes it more beautiful. i see a lot of us out there each with a story. some of us have everything some of us nothing. and many of us in between. it is the inbetween that suffer a lot. there is a lot to learn from each individual i meet.
life can be very harsh on many of us. a bitter sweet tragedy. those who are ready to come out of it they will make the world colourful and those who could not they are forgotten even by the dust.
each day i pray "God give me the strength". when a tsunami hits with no warning what can you do ? if you are to live you will else what?
nothing or to be precise many things in life comes without a warning. it depends on whom it hits.
i wish i was a learner than the one to experience it.
i will never give up but fight and win God by my side.

what is life ?

a friend asked me to think about "what is life ?". wow its only a 3 word question but to reply to this is impossible unless and until you know who you are. it would have been very easy to answer this question, to myself first, if i understood the mystery behind the purpose for which i was made to put on this fancy dress(see the previous post). i wish i was wise enough to decipher the purpose. once i know what my life is all about i would try to enter the maze and find my way out and claim victory. most of us, we are born, we go through some problem, there are emotions shed, and later, close our eyes with a feeling that, our purpose is not fulfilled. feeling incomplete. have you ever felt that ? esp, when you go visit people in their death bed. their eye seem to tell us "i still have nt finished my work " this is because he did nt figure out the purpose of his life or he did not do things as expected.
its like the bible saying, each of us are given some talents. the man with 10 made 20 ,with 5 made 10 and the man with 1 buried it. something like that. many of us fall under the last category.
we all grow up, marry, have kids, job etc but we still have nt influenced others in the right path.
for example we are given a talent to sing, have we used it help others enjoy the voice and have we used it to make them happy or something like this.
LIFE IS A TREASURE FILLED WITH WONDERFUL GIFTS. its for us to open the chest and share it and multiply it, unfortunately many of us dig aroung the chest, some open and then close it, scared if someone would take it away. its a pity what we are doing, WELL BECAUSE OF THIS, KUDDOS! LIFE GOES ON..we are again made to purchase the cloth from the body shop and come back to fulfill the purpose,again in the journey we forget to fulfill the same and cycle goes on. hahahahaha...!

"I"

you know, from my perspective the actual thing called the person lives inside this body.you call jessa is the identity of the person who lives inside. when i will die you wont call my body that i will leave behind jessa but you will point to it and say "look thats jessa's dead body(corpse)". i feel many times this body is only a dress that we wear. somewhere, sometime ago we must have gone shopping and purchased this body from a place like sears kohl's etc.. the actual person lives inside.

some of our dresses are really pretty to see but are we really that beautiful or something different. is our outer dress a disguise ? i mean once our breath stop is there another realm we move to. for me the skeleton s all the same, useless. i mean look at us how beautifull we are when there is life, if its not there the body left behind is a corpse of the person who used it. dont you find it a little curious.
my friend look inside ur body. who is this "i" we talk about. this "i" is the real person. this "i" is the life. this "i" knows more than you think. this is strange but its true.
first thing we have to do is let "i" know "i". everyone knows what they are, i mean beyond the looks beyond ur abilities. we personally know what we are. people say many things about you but only you know what you are.
its no coincedence that we meet others, with some we fall in love, with some people we associate ourselves, thats because the inner self wants to. the inner one knows the other person inside. any person i meet on this journey and love i have always had some good connection with in some part of my life.

y is jesus disrespectful to his mother?

i am a christian. there are certain things that linger in my mind. so many unanswered questions. i have asked these questions to many, nobody could answer them or they just rejected the question saying this is satanic( these are blind believers).i dont believe having a doubt or asking a question is bad. its the best way to learn the truth.as you read the bible the more confused one gets firstly because its not complete secondly there are a lot of contradictions. and there is no proper records.my questions that are unanswered are :1. there is no record of jesus being related to david...i mean how can anyone miss this..there are many places in the bible even new testament that says he is the descendant of david. but no records supporting the same so now people come up with the lineage indirectly conecting mary joseph etc...how did such an info get missed. it should have been recorded..i dont think god wanted that to be a mystery like that in revalations.2. why was jesus disrespectful of his mother throughout the scripture which is so opposite to the teachings....no matter what people are going to put out as explanation they are not going to justify the behaviour. in no passage was he loving to his family as to his disciple. there s no evidence to the love he had for his family, i mean he is jesus and he should have set an example. bible depicts a picture of an ordinary man who was horrible at home but was great around his friends. through ot the scripture there s no record of even mary ever praising jesus infact she is surprised at his behaviour when he goes missing for 3 days and is found in the temple..this incident is very strange to me from both sides...which parent would be that careless as to not notice their son missing for 3 days..from this i see that from as a child jesus was not very close to his family and vice versa. and i am surprised at the expression of the parents..they did not understand what jesus said..there was nothing that he said un-understandable esp for a child like him who was from god..still they found it strange...
i feel scared to even think this thought i agree miracle s happen god is capable of doing wonders and i firmly believe from my life god is evrything and you earnestly ask him something god will give it to you. each day i am thankful to god for my existence..but these questions do pester me a lot...i mean from the behaviour of the family to jesus and vice versa they behaved as if he was not loved for some reason as a son should be. i mean which parent would not notice their child missing for 3 days. jesus was offended when mary asked him to turn water into wine..i mean i agree it was not his time to show sny moracle may be but the way he told his mother was very harsh like any kid of this day would do but he was jesus he was suppose to say "my mother its not the time" but he didnt seem to have said this way. i understand that mary knew her son very well that she believed her son was capable of doing something miraculous to make the event graceful.
even at the end, on the cross he was kind to the prisoner in his words than to his mother. why is that so? there is no way of knowing the answer to all these questions except believe that the writer had something to do with the writing or the interpreters made some mistake..something went wrong somewhere..because seeing the nature and the teaching of jesus christ he surely must have loved his mother and respected her more than anything. because he is jesus christ and he lived a godly life on earth whatever people say or write there should have been a strong family relation between the mother and son else the basic foundation of christianity will be no existent.
i know many will have some solution but i dont want any made up stories. the bible is a guide for living well not for solving puzzles..(exception-revalation)

why is it like this ?

i love being a woman. the best gift god could ever bestow a human with. we have everything gifted to us for a normal survival (not exactly made for war and other turmoils). we are curved, very strong mentally(which is why we live longer than our men)...i love all of this but.....

those days are horrible. i have ,thank god, never experienced pain even for my delivery not even a little( the birth of unni was the best) but the mental thing that i ve to go through during these days, they are horrible. some months, i am very very happy, loving and caring man! i am the best. i love this feeling. i love being happy and making others feel like a human for ones( i am by nature a horrible critique..i dont know if its becoz i am a virgo but i hate it...), i am the best. but it s those other days i am worried about..those days when i turn to be a witch,- i hate everything around me, everything irritates me, i get irritated and angry(i rather wish i cried than went violent). even the minutest thing will hurt me( my hubby finds this the best time to pick on me...beleive he gets enough and more for it if on one of these days he would want to argue....pavam he is the best but, he is a nut for not understanding me during these times...especially even after 5 years of marriage...so you can understand how smart he is or is it that all men are like that. )

girls out there , trust me when i tell you this, physical pain is 1000 times better than this mental unstability. atleast people will know you are hurting but these even you dont know how you are going to react.....man! i wish i had physical pain than these mental issues. you know! during these horrible time you dont know what you say and the other person would nt know the problem and that breaks the friendship....it happened to me ...i had a very nice friend whom i used to confide to..unfortunately, there was an issue regarding the party and i got pissed, i mean the issue was so very small, very minor but i blew it out of proportion really badly and said things to him and his wife which i would never ever do in the normal state..i cant go appologize for what i said they will never understand any of it....once a thread is broken its always going to have a bump even if u tie it so i never tried to...

i mean, man! this is horrible. u can think nothing and even if u say something it will be foolish my god i wish i had the physical pain...lucky all of you out there who has physical pain than what i have to go through. crying is also fine i would that is great than what i go through.

how i missed you ?

i am sorry my friend.

i always felt misplaced in life be it in school, college, or anywhere. i am still searching for myself within me. in this race i may have forgotten to notice you. its my mistake i accept it but its not because i dont care for you..i deeply do but i was always searching for something still am. it was my mistake that i did nt realise you were standing nextg to me telling me i am here for you. i regret what had happened.

i was raised by my gran she was a kind but i had my niche built with her in kerala when my parents left me with her. i dont remeber seeing my dad as a kid just my mom who would come in between with lots of chocolate, nail polish and things and again leave me with my grans but then i flew to gulf it was a dream come truebut slowly i started feeling the heat..the syllabus was tough for a state student the language was english a foreign one for a village girl infact all was different kids treated me as a trash i cud nt tell this to my parents since i feared they would let me go back to the abusive life in kerala. so i kept to myself and tried to learn the culture with the language. i became a true gulfian i started to forget about kerala in trying to fit into there. i had trouble in everything studies, life style everything but i mastered it all by myself in such small age. i had a terrible family.

as soon as i did that i had to go back to kerala , i did my pre in tvm ivanios . it was again another struggle trying to adjust to the crowd there. i wanted acceptance there. it was a very tough life style for a kid from the gulf esp the tuition. i had to get up at 5 30 to start the day and it went on till eve 6 pm man this was very tough for me and so many things like this. i was studying in a place where we had classes from 8 to 12 30 pm and the rest of the day was ours , we played ball and jumped about but here the girls wud resign to sitting in class and gossiping my god i was lost.
in this race my friend i met you. but i have no idea how things came to this. i never knew what your feeling was. nothing is registering in my head. its not your fault my friend but mine i dont get people s feeling easily thats y i am where i am today.
my friend if i hurt you in anyway i know i must have for you to remember all the things i am deeply sorry i never meant to hurt you. i always wish the best to all i meet.
there must have been something that must have triggered the way i responded but i dont know what.
with all my heart i am sorry my friend.
i am sorry.