Dating - A never ending loop?

The most loneliest time in my life was when I was married to someone whom I had no chemistry or connection with. Both of us, wonderful people yet we could not connect in any shape or form even after trying for 7 plus years. I can say this from my side for sure.  Mine was an arranged marriage where my situation was louder than choice. In no way I feel arranged marriages are wrong. For each their ways!


Being divorced for a long time and lonelier for even longer, I had a little bit of time at hand to learn what I really need from a relationship. I feel confident that I know better now than 25 years ago. If I did not learn any better on what I am looking for in my companion then let a lightening strike me down.


When I looked for a relationship, I asked myself few things -
Can I make myself be the one for him without altering the Me rather developing a better person in me?
Do I like him enough to call him the love of my life?
Can I stand by his side when he needs me?
Will I look down on him?
Can I make him a better person for himself?
Does ego play any part in the relationship?
Will I be able to live with his negatives and how can I help?


Of-course this is not a one way street. This is something I forget at times!
I have learned the hard way that it requires two people together to put in the effort towards the same goal - to need and to want the relationship to work and last. I think this is a huge commitment. Remember the phrase that is said in weddings, "for better or for worse"? Earlier I did not know the weightage this phrase carried nor what it is to be in a relationship. As a younger me I took relations very lightly. Mostly because as a kid your brain does not much analyze all this but it is the twists and turns in my life and the experiences that taught me the value of human companionship the hard way. For me no friend can replace my love. If I could portray this, it would be like a zoomed image one side vs. shrinking image in another. This does not mean I do not value friendship nor have I changed my lifestyle or Friendships in anyway to accommodate him.


The only constant in life is change. The journey includes all kinds of interesting aspects. People change somewhere along the way. No matter what the change is, it is the two people in the relationship that makes it work. I think above love is respect and revere for the other. The realization and the commitment that you are together responsible for the relationship to work is what carries it successfully to the other end.
So I think entering into a relation is a conscious effort from both sides, once there is that ease between each other. I don't think there is any magic or mantra after that, that would make one realize this is the person you are destined to be with. Its a conscious choice, period.


I believe in God, so I do take it to the altar. Again its the two people and their choice.


A relationship is like a fingerprint. As of today as I write this, I have no knowledge of two different fingerprint being ever alike normally. There are so many Gurus trying to box relationships, giving rules and recommendations, interpretation and solutions on relationship but no one can actually give you a good answer because of the uniqueness each relationship forms. I have wasted several hours of my life watching these videos. I can tell one thing, they are helpful in understanding what others have gone through but I know mine is unique to me and my significant other and I am sure its the same with you too.


Now to that actual topic - time in dating.
I told my man, if we can't get married after a year, then we should just call it quits. I think he agrees too. (Yes, I freak out in head when I hear the word marriage because it triggers all anxiety in my head because I failed once but If I love someone I want to make that commitment. I am sure he feels same about marriage. It is a scary business but a sweet one when two people wants to make it work and are willing to take steps to make sure it lasts.)


Years of waiting to see different seasons in a person then trying to apply the return policy. This is just wrong in my books. Now different people have different goals in relationship. Some people do not want to get married, I am perfectly cool with that but make sure both partners feel the same way else you are just destroying someone else's life.

I am not a fan of dating around. Dating should be a venue to understand the other and not dissect one. There is nothing that can guarantee anything in life. I believe once you feel the connection with your significant other, then it is 'your choice' to make the relation work.


I don't believe in a set time limit, a magic number or a set of action in dating that screams its time to plunge in or out.
How much are you willing to put up with in a relation?
I do not believe in testing time or character in a never ending dating loop of seasons.
Are you short circuited to take that long to make the call? or Is it just that you are scared to take that step?
[Now there are liars out there. This blog does not apply to them. If someone is faking it, then I don't know what to say. I would also be totally devastated and lost if that happened to me too. Some are such experts in this field that they can continue the act for ages. I don't know what is the solution for this. Been there, its heart breaking.]


As a living being it takes only seconds to feel a vibe with another. If two people are not faking it then it should not take years and years to see where things would lead to. The final say is, do you know your goal together when it comes to the relation? If the goals don't match then no matter how much time you give, you are never going to make it. Even if you make it, it is going to be short lived or you are going to live in misery for the rest of your life.


Wishing us all the best.

Unconditional yet Conditional - Love

I am a person who falls in love easily.  {is it? Not true you lied}
I live life with a passion. I love most things about my life.


My life at times sucks and I feel terrible and I may not know how to handle things at the moment. Then again I pick myself up and start again. I love the gift of life the Almighty has given me. Every single cell of mine is perfectly created by the Universe. Every single event in my life seems to be protected somehow. I don't know how to word it, maybe in another blog.


Since I fall in love easily that means I would fall out of love easily too. At-least is this not the law of the nature, "Every action (force) in nature there is an equal and opposite reaction"?
- { Maybe it is infatuation.}


But one thing I know now is how much life has taught me about love, its meaning and how lonely it is to be missing romance in life. It took me years to understand and change myself. Make myself worthy to invite someone into my life. {Since I was not much trying to grasp the essence, the universe just did the job for me. }


As a younger person I had no clue what is love and what it is like to be loved. What it means to share love with another. I just thought like everything, it is a given. It's free. It's everywhere. Boy was I wrong!


I am compassionate and care for every living being. That has always been me. I do not believe I have permanently wished bad on anyone in my life. Yes when I get hurt I feel angry on the moment but I don't believe I ever hated the individual for long.


I knew from childhood I would do most everything for my sister. I don't think anyone would have dared to hurt her. If she would hurt I would hurt more than her. If there was anything bad I would rather have that than her. I always wanted and still wants the best for her and I am sure this will be me till my last breathe. Then came my daughter, the tiny helpless little creature laying by my side wrapped in white clothes looking at me with a wide eye, full of smile and need. Taking care of my child was the most difficult/confusing thing I have ever done. Guess I made it. She is 15 now.


My failed marriage taught me a lot in a very good way.  This is what must have made me realize the meaning of romantic love, experience the feeling of loneliness and analyze the meaning of loving someone and to be loved. What it means to simply LOVE. Loving someone unconditionally yet with a condition to acknowledge my love. { Love to be gifted with paintings from my daughter. I would hate it if she spends money and gets me anything however expensive as a gift one day. Hopefully you will see this blog and always paint or give me 'your' creative things till I say goodbye here }
note: I am not there yet to give love unconditionally after all I am a human.

Being a mom may have added some more pages to my journey. As a parent it was only giving and in return you got a hug and smile but sometimes nothing but a satisfied kid or stubborn unsatisfied goon. Over the years this experience may have mellowed me a lot from what I used to be. I enjoy being a mom and would love one more of this little creature if I could.


In my entire life up to age 41 I have never loved anyone than my sister and my daughter. At this time as I write I can sadly but firmly say this. But these are my blood. My own. My world. I don't believe my mind ever realized that I love them. Never questioned it.  But I just love them because of my actions followed by my words that confirms everyday to me, yes I truly love them. I mean, is it not a given you will generally love your blood?

Then came You out of nowhere. Jeans ok? Yeah?
Yes I say I love you because I do. But behind the scene I question myself because I want to be sure that I am meaning it well when I say those words and that, it is not my playfulness. I look through my words and the actions, sometimes I over analyze. Some of the things I do and say to you I have never ever done in my entire life and meaning it every bit while I do it even without me knowing it. I truly surprise myself when I do some of the things with no expectation of a return or say things not expecting a reply from you. I have never let my guard down nor have I let myself splurge on someone else than my sister and my kid once I started earning. So when I do that same to you I know I love you.


Is love enough? I don't know . But I know one thing, it is one of the rarest things in this world. I never found abundance of it anywhere especially the romantic one. I think it is good to be in love. I think its great to know what is love.
The best is Knowing how to love and where it should originate from and how to take care of it and maintain it.


note: I know its a two way street else it will still be infatuation so keep your best friends - Eyes, Ears, Wisdom and Understanding close and let your heart lose and dance to the beat!!!


Love Jessa.